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joke of the week

(39 posts)
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    tom plant

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    old couple in church women says to husband i have just done a silent fart wot should i do he replies get some new fucking hearing aid batteries.
    Posted 2 years ago #
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    Stanners

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    A typical English 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend,
    decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is,
    until the ship sank.

    He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
    nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

    After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
    gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he
    asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

    She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
    when my cruise ship sank."

    "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
    with you."

    "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw
    material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
    branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern
    came from a Eucalyptus tree."

    "But, where did you get the tools?"

    "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
    island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
    fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile
    iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
    The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

    After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As
    the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a
    stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
    While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
    the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

    As they walks into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I
    call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

    "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another
    drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I
    have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

    Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
    down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the
    woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
    Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in
    the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into
    the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of
    tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on
    to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

    "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

    When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
    positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

    He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean " he swallows excitedly
    and tears start to form in his eyes.











    "Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"
    Posted 2 years ago #
  3. psycho

    psycho

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    How did the man go upstairs for a shave when the woman lives in a bungalow? X-D

    Psycho }:-@

    [image]

    Posted 2 years ago #
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    Stanners

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    There's always 1 smart arse!

    In the caribbean a lot of private houses do have outside bathrooms. in this case it is outside and up a little hill via a set of stairs carved into the bedrock.
    Posted 2 years ago #
  5. CyrixInstead

    Cyrix

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    Goalkeeper

    surely steps then?? not stairs

    There are 10 types of people in the world: people who can read binary and those who can't.

    Posted 2 years ago #
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    Stanners

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    No its stairs because there was a rope vine handrail which qualifies it as a staircase.
    Posted 2 years ago #
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    tom plant

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    2 ASIAN HEROIN ADDICTS ARE IN INTENSIVE CARE AFTER ACCIDENTLY INJECTING CURRY POWDER ONES IN A KORMA AND THE OTHER ONE HAS GOT A DODGY TIKKA.
    Posted 2 years ago #
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    tom plant

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    FOUND ALITTLE BOY CRYING IN THE SHOP TODAY SAID HE HAD LOST HIS MUM SO I ASKED WHATS SHE LIKE HE SAID BIG COCKS AND BACARDI BREEZERS
    Posted 2 years ago #
  9. User has not uploaded an avatar

    Stanners

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    What do you call a Welshman with a stick up his a*rse?


    A taffy apple
    Posted 2 years ago #
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    tom plant

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    a man walked into a fish and chip shop and said doctor I keep thinking I am a moth THE CHP SHOP MAN SAID WHY HAVE YOU COME IN HERE I SELL CHIPS he said well the light was on
    Posted 2 years ago #

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